


Conversations (spn 12x13)

by Whyjm



Category: Supernatural
Genre: British Men of Letters, DeanCas - Freeform, Destiel - Freeform, Episode Related, Episode: s12e13 Family Feud, In the bunker, episode coda, episode s12e13
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-26
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-26 23:00:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,081
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9927914
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Whyjm/pseuds/Whyjm
Summary: Dean really did not like Cas going of chasing next to non-existent leads about Kelly so soon after nearly being killed.. He knew when he tried to convince Cas to stay a bit longer that it was futile.. Cas will and determination is like a big mountain - unmovable.. So he had to accept it and let his angel go, but he protested as much as he could..





	

Dean really did not like Cas going of chasing next to non-existent leads about Kelly so soon after nearly being killed.. He knew when he tried to convince Cas to stay a bit longer that it was futile.. Cas will and determination is like a big mountain - unmovable.. So he had to accept it and let his angel go, but he protested as much as he could.. 

He did his best to trust that Cas was actually okay and not in any danger, that he were up to it.. But he had a sinking feeling in his stomach that Cas left so soon after for another reason. He felt it stir in his stomach, something was nagging at him from just beyond his reach.. They all agreed that finding Kelly is the most important thing now, but still they have nothing to go on, no leads no nothing so for Dean, Cas leaving felt wrong.. 

Dean could not help to think Cas regretted what he had said some days ago when he almost died.. I love you, I love all of you.. Of course he loved all of them but the first I love you, Cas could not even look at him while he said it and that clung to Deans mind like an iron fist. Dean knows that what he and Cas shares are not simply brotherly love, he knows that he feels so much more for his angel.. HIS angel.. When did he start to refer to Cas as his angel?? But his mind still denies that Cas could have meant the first I love you only for him. 

He shoved the thoughts to the back of his mind and tried to focus on other things instead, like research and messing with Sam as much as he could.. He started a prank war that could have ended badly.. Fortunately they decided to call a truce before doing serious damage to the bunker and each other.. 

Days past and Dean and Sam researched to try to find leads that could lead them to Kelly and his treacherous mind interjected and you to Cas.. But he snuffed out that voice quickly and continued his internet search, but were soon interrupted by his phone vibrating in his pocket. 

It was a text from Cas, his heart fluttered and he felt happiness rise up and he could not help to smile.. He opened the text..

Hello Dean. I am just outside of Georgia, I have found a motel, I am not dead *new winky face emoji*

Dean huffed out a puff of air and replied.

Good! Nice to see you found some new emojis….

I know you do not approve of me doing this alone right now Dean, but we need to find her.

I know Cas, but that does not mean I have to like you running off by yourself, what if something happens..

I appreciate your concern but I am fine, and if I find something I will call you…

Dean did not answer he felt irritated and thought that whatever he said did not bring the angel back home.. His rational mind knew that Cas was right they needed to find Kelly but his non rational mind could not accept that they were not doing this together.. He put the phone in his pocket and went to get a beer. 

Deans mind simultaneously spent a lot of time mulling over his mother who were supposedly working with other hunters.. He had this feeling that she was hiding something from him, he thought back to Ramiel who have accused them of stealing.. What were they supposed to have taken from him?? He could not get that out of his mind.. And somehow his thoughts went to his mother in conjunction whit this. He tried to ignore it but it was there all the same. 

She was back in their life but so far she had proved to be nothing like he remembered her to be. And rationally he knew that she could not be what his 4 year old self thought of her, or the rose tainted picture John painted of her for him and Sam. But he still felt a bit disappointed that yeah he had her back but still she runs away and are working with others instead of being with and working with him and Sam. His thoughts were interrupted by his phone ringing

"Heya Cas"

"Hello Dean! I have not found something but I thought I call and see how you are doing"

"I am fine Cas… you? how’s the motel?" 

"I am fine Dean and the motel is the same as always, dreadful bed though… I miss my own." 

"Yeah well if you weren’t so god damn stubborn and went away even when we had nothing to go on, you could be home and sleeping in your own now."  
He could not stop the words from coming out, he had not meant to say it but his mouth spat out the words before he could stop himself.. 

Cas drew in a sharp breath at that and answered in an exasperated voice "Dean… I know that you do not agree with my decision but we need to do everything it takes to find her. You and Sam are home researching and I do better with this.." 

"Better as in away from us… Away from me??"

Dean knew he sounded like a petulant child but he could not help it, he worried and he did not like Cas going off on his own.. After nearly loosing him he could not control his emotions any longer, they run rampant inside him and his worry for Cas and what could happen to him took the better of him. He saw flashes of the black goo and the black veins on Cas after Ramiel had pierced him with the lance, and he remembered seeing Cas disappearing in the lake when the leviathans destroyed him.. His mind was full of these pictures and he could not tune them out and he could not push away all the feelings that accompanied them either.  
"Dean that is not what this is about… you know that!"

"No Cas… It’s about you almost die on me and then the first chance you get you run away."

Fuck he really did not meant to say that.. Dean bit his lip and a ragged breath escaped him.

Dean heard Cas sigh, "you know I much rather be home with you" 

"Then why not wait so we could all go together why run out on your own Cas?" 

"I am not much of a researcher, you know I do not trust computers Dean". Dean laughed at that and remembered how frustrated Cas had been when Dean tried to teach him how to put in the right search words in the browser, and then chose a good page of all the hits that showed up from that.

"And we are not going to find answers in books - which I am good researching with, so this is the only thing I can do to feel useful in finding her. I can’t just sit around and wait, I have to do something Dean…"

"Yeah I know Cas, sorry.."

"No need to apologize.... I will continue looking and trying to find out about her.."

"Ok well stay on it and If you get a lead let us know, and we will keep on it from our end…".

"Of course Dean"

"Thanks Cas.."

Dean hung up the phone.. But before putting it away he sent a short text.. 

I am happy you are okay. *bee emoji* safe! 

He listened to Sam while he explained what he had found.. They worked the case and when Dean watched Gavin and his Fiona together he felt a bone deep longing wrap itself around his heart.. He ached inside, he envied them, sure they were sent to a certain death but they had each other and he could see how much love they shared between them.. He sighed and when Sam put away the magic stuff he went to his room, he needed to be alone with his thoughts. Sam did not say anything about it he just looked at Dean with his typical Sam look.. His phone rang when he had landed on his bed, his pillow just in the right position.. 

"Hi Cas.."

"Hello Dean!! Are you alright?"

He deliberated with himself a little while about whether or not to be honest or use his to go to answer, but Cas seem to already know something was up, so he opted for honesty and sighed:

"No.. We just sent someone to a certain death, but he got to be with the love of his life so that is always something…" 

"I am sorry Dean." 

"Its ok, it’s for the better it was Crowley’s son Gavin from 1723. You know the kid Abaddon brought back.. so now that timey whimy thing is okay I guess…"

"Yes I remember! It was the right thing to do; bringing people into the wrong timeline is dangerous."

"Cas…"

"Yes.."

"How did you know?"

"I felt a surge of longing and then I felt that you were thinking about me." 

"Ohh.." 

"I thought you knew about this?"

"No. must have missed that part.. " 

"I felt your worry and need to reach me when we dealt with the Lily situation. But I had misplaced my phone at the time. And I felt it just now to and I know you worry so I thought it best to call you.."

"Thanks Cas!!"

"Of course, Dean"

They ended the call because Sam was calling for him asking him to check something out on the computer. They were looking at it and talking about how all the cases related to Fiona’s ghost where not there anymore. They heard the door to the bunker open and Mary strode down the stairs, and both boys said.. “Oh hey, hello…”

“It’s been a long, long, long while…”

“Alright…. Dean is dramatic as you know…… What he meant to say was we’d missed you and are glad you are back..”

Mary looked at her boys smiling, but she felt nervous, she knew that telling her boys what she was about to, was not going to go without friction.. So she put the bag with the burgers and the case of beers on the table in front of them.. 

“Burgers…beers..”

“Yum”

“Forgiven… what have you been up to?” Dean asked in a somewhat reserved tone.

“Oh.. Jogging, tai chi, meditating, melting rugaru brain…..”

“Melting rugaru brain??”

Dean immediately froze up at that, all his doubts and fears came tumbling in and he steeled himself for what was about to come next.. He knew it before she said the words and he felt like he was gonna break right there. The steps they had taken towards trusting and getting to know one another seem to mean nothing and his anger flared even before she began to answer Sam.. Her I love you had seemed hollow to him when they talked a few days before when they called her to see if she wanted to work with them on the case.. He had wondered why she said it. It was a very different I love you from the one Cas had said a week before.. 

“There is no easy way to say this so I am just gonna say it.. I have sort of been working with the British men of letters..”

“mmh… you have what??” Sam looked like a lost puppy that had just been kicked in the stomach. His previous joy over their mother being back, crumpled inside him and he felt sad and betrayed and he could not wrap his mind around their mom’s choice…

Dean fumed with anger and he immediately fell back into his protective big brother stans. He felt so betrayed so disappointed in her. He felt like the woman standing there in front of them was not their mother but a stranger. And all he could say was: Ahh

“Mom.. we… umh….. we have a history with them”

“I know Sam, and it was a hard decision, but they are doing good work. I have helped them save people, a lot of people.. We can learn from them.”

“Do not give me the face Dean” 

“what face?” he said in his low dangerous If you fuck with me I will kill you voice.. His controlled and deadly voice that monsters and people in general back away from him when he uses..

“You know the face”

“There is no face”

“That is the face”… Mary sighed out

“Mom, we have our own toolkit and it works just fine. And for obvious reasons, like broken ribs and burnt feet we do not trust the Brits.” 

Dean saw how his mother grappled with telling them that yes she do trust them and he asked: “So where does that leave us?” he almost felt afraid of asking it, he was angry but at the same time it is his mother and he has lost so many people, he do not want to lose her to, no matter how angry he feels at the moment, or how much of a stranger she is right now.. She is after all family..

“Same as always – Family… Just hear me out.. Please….”

Mary started to tell them about Micks speech and about what she has been doing, how Mr Ketch has been showing her all these cool weapons etc.. Dean really tried to listen to Mary, to stay and hear her out but he felt so betrayed. He could never imagine that his mom would shack up with the people who tortured Sam, who captured them and used them as punching bags. How could his mom do this to them? Deans mind were swirling with anger and resentment and sadness. He tried to hear her out he really did but after a while he just could not stand there anymore.. He looked at Sam who nodded and Dean stormed out of the room leaving the other two alone.. He barged into his room his fists clenched by his sides he paced back and forth in the room.. he was fuming….

His mind was a tumble of rage, betrayal and sadness.. He sat down on his bed with his face in his hands, he could not find calm, he felt raw and exposed, he fished up his phone and called the only person he knew he wanted to talk to now…

"Dean?"

"Hi Cas.."

"What happened are you okay?" 

He heard the worry in Cas voice… and somehow hearing Cas voice, calmed him down somewhat and he began to just let all his thoughts bubble out…  
"Mom… she is working with the Brits.. She is working with the ones who took Sam, tortured him and then used both he and I as punching bags.. She has been working with them since they help you find us after we broke out of the military compound.. She goes behind our back and she kept this from us to keep us safe in her own words. What a load of bull shit, you only hide things when you know you are doing something fishy.. I have felt that something was not right but I could not imagine her working with them…They sold her a pitch about a world without monsters or some other crap. How could she do this to us Cas??"

"I think that Mary do not know where she fits in here. It do not justify her working with them but, I think she is trying to find her place and maybe she feel that working with them can give her the monster free life she dreams of??"

"But why can’t she find her place with us, her own family? She knows there are no quick fixes to monsters…So why does she believe their crap?? Why do she and everyone leave me?" 

Dean had trouble breathing and keeping his frustrated tears from falling he gulped for air and sucked in a big breath. He tried to calm down but there were to many and to big emotions clawing inside him.. 

"Dean… Do you want me to come home?"

"Yes…"

"I am on my way"

"Thanks Cas…"

They hung up, Dean did not know it but Cas were already on his way he had been driving for a while already.. Cas had felt Deans distress and knew that he wanted to be there for his hunter. Dean needed him..

Dean lay down on the bed and his thoughts plagued him, taunted him and left him feeling like a little kid… all his usual defences would not work so he was left in the throes of his emotions.. Angry tears streamed down his cheeks but he did not notice them…

After a while he did not know how long, he heard a knock on the door and the handle creaked and soon Cas appeared in the opening.. He jumped of the bed and walked straight up to Cas and threw his arms around the angel. He did not care if he seemed weak or needy, he only cared that Cas was there and he hugged him back and finally he could breathe again.. Calm finally settled over him and he relaxed in Cas arms..

"I know that you feel like everyone leave you Dean.. I will leave at times but I will always come back to you. I always come when you call!! I meant what I said in the barn Dean, I love you."

Dean sighed at that and hugged Cas even closer, he could not say anything but he poured all his feelings for Cas in the hug…

After a while exhaustion caught up with him and Cas led him to the bed.. Dean crept in under the comforter and Cas without a word lay down beside him, drew him against his chest.. Dean relaxed into Cas embrace.. He knew that he would have to deal with his mom and the asshats situation tomorrow.. But for now he felt safe and calm.. He relaxed and soon his breathing even out all was as it should be Cas was there with him. And whatever comes next how bad it is he knows that Cas will always be there with him! and with that thought darkness enveloped him and a dreamless sleep fell over him…


End file.
